What is narcissism, and what is it like to live with a narcissist?
What narcissism really is, the forms it takes and what it does to the people close to it. Why it's so hard to leave and how you find yourself again.
NARCISSISTIC ABUSE
Lilika Vergi
11/6/20266 min read
These days everyone seems to be talking about narcissists. We use the word for the colleague who only ever talks about himself, the ex who never once said sorry, and the friend who posts one selfie too many. The trouble is that the more we use it, the lighter it gets. And the people who really are living with a narcissist end up struggling to put into words what they're going through.
Clinical psychologist Ramani Durvasula, who has spent much of her career working on narcissism and the relationships people have with narcissistic partners and parents, describes narcissism as a spectrum rather than a label you either have or you don't. At one end is the healthy part we all have: we want to be seen, we enjoy being appreciated, we want to feel we matter. Further along the spectrum, that need becomes increasingly rigid, shaping how someone relates to everyone around them.
The core of narcissism is a handful of traits that show up together and stick around over time. A lack of empathy. A sense of entitlement, of deserving more than other people. A constant need for admiration and validation. A picture of themselves as special or superior. And a real touchiness about anything that feels like criticism. Very often there's also a struggle to manage their own emotions, which comes out as anger, sulking, or going cold when things don't go their way.
At its most intense, narcissism is described as narcissistic personality disorder, a diagnosis that only a qualified professional can make after a proper assessment. Yet, someone doesn't need a diagnosis to hurt you. So this isn't about labels. It's about what this way of relating does to the people who live close to it.
What lies underneath, and the forms it takes
What you usually see on the surface is confidence, charm, someone who knows exactly what they want. Underneath, there is almost always insecurity and a very fragile sense of self-worth. A narcissist needs other people to reflect the image of someone special, because they can't hold that image up on their own. When it cracks, with a bit of criticism, a rejection, or even a simple “no”, the reaction can be anger, silence, or punishment. That reaction often has less to do with what you actually said, and more to do with their fear of being seen for something they can't bear to look at themselves.
Narcissism can take several forms. Grandiose, or overt, narcissism is the one most of us recognise: the person who shows off, needs to be the centre of attention and is often very charming at first. Vulnerable, or covert, narcissism is quieter. Here you meet someone who always feels misunderstood and hard done by, who holds grudges, who seethes in silence and leaves you feeling guilty without ever saying straight out what they want. They come across more like the victim than the one doing the hurting, which is exactly why it can take so long to see it.
Communal narcissism hides behind kindness. It's the person everyone admires for how much they help and give, and who becomes someone else at home, because their kindness needs an audience. The self-righteous narcissist always knows what's right, judges harshly, sets the rules and looks down on anyone who doesn't follow them. Then there's neglectful narcissism, which doesn't shout or take over; it simply isn't there emotionally. They're in the room, but they don't really see you. And at the hardest end is malignant narcissism, where narcissism comes together with manipulation, exploitation and coldness towards other people's pain. A relationship like that isn't just difficult; it can be dangerous.
These forms aren't neat boxes. The same person can show the overt side at work and the covert side at home. What they have in common is that one person's needs take up all the space, and the other person's needs slowly disappear.
What it's like to live with a narcissist
There's a cycle that repeats itself in many of these relationships. At the start, everything feels wonderful. They pay you attention, they admire you, they tell you nobody has ever understood them the way you do. You feel that finally someone really sees you. That stage of idealisation doesn't last. Little by little the compliments dry up and the criticism creeps in. Then comes the devaluing, and sometimes the discarding: coldness, withdrawal, even the end of the relationship. And often, just as you start to pull away, they come back, warm and full of regret, and the whole cycle starts again.
Inside that cycle you learn to watch what you say, how you say it and when. You learn to read their mood before you've even walked into the room. If you say that something hurt you, you might be told you're overreacting, that it didn't happen like that, that it's your fault for taking it the wrong way. Over time you start to doubt your own memory and your own feelings. That has a name, gaslighting, and it's one of the most confusing parts of these relationships.
But the deepest mark isn't the arguments. Durvasula talks about self-doubt, guilt, going over and over what happened in your head, and the sense of losing yourself. People who were once confident and full of life, with friends and opinions of their own, find themselves years later asking permission for ordinary things, apologising for things they didn't do, no longer sure what they even like. “Is it me?” becomes the question that never goes away.
Your body feels it too. Many people in these relationships live with constant tension, poor sleep, headaches, that knot in the stomach when they hear the key in the door. The nervous system learns to stay on alert, because it never knows what's coming next.
None of this only happens between partners. If you grew up with a parent who always needed to be the centre of attention, you may have learned very early on to manage their moods, to ask for very little and to earn love by being the “good child”. And that can follow you into adult life, even when you live far from home.
Why it's so hard to leave, and how you find yourself again
From the outside, people ask “why don't they just leave?” From the inside, it's far more tangled than that. The relationship isn't bad all the time. In between the hard moments there are moments of warmth, and those bind you very tightly, precisely because you never know when they'll come again. This is called "trauma bond", and it keeps alive the hope that the person you met at the beginning will come back. After years of criticism, you may also have come to believe you won't cope without them, or that nobody else would want you. And there are practical reasons too: children, money, a shared home, fear of how they'll react.
That's why the decision to stay or go isn't something anyone can judge from the outside. Durvasula is clear that many people stay, for all sorts of reasons, and that they too can protect themselves and heal. The first step usually isn't leaving. It's seeing clearly what's happening, putting a name to it, and no longer explaining it all as your own fault.
Radical acceptance is central; accepting that this person, as they are, isn't going to change because you try harder, explain things better, or love them more. That hurts, because it means letting go of a hope you may have held for years. At the same time it gives you some rest, because you stop pouring your energy into getting them to see you. With it often comes grief, for the relationship you thought you had and for the years you gave to it.
The way back to yourself is slow, and that's completely normal. It starts with small things: noticing what you feel without rushing to fix it, getting back in touch with a friend you'd drifted away from, trusting your own memory again, saying a small “no” and sitting with the guilt that follows. Therapy can help a great deal with this, because it gives you a space where your experience is heard without being questioned, and where you can understand why you became so attached, without blaming yourself.
What you've been through doesn't mean there's something wrong with you or that you're weak. It means you loved, you tried, and you adapted to something that wasn't fair on you. And with time, you can start giving yourself the same attention you gave them for all those years.
Sources
Durvasula, R. (2019). "Don't You Know Who I Am?": How to Stay Sane in an Era of Narcissism, Entitlement, and Incivility. Post Hill Press.
Durvasula, R. (2024). It's Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People. The Open Field.
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